Yo momma is so fat and old that when God said “Let there be Light”, …
Yo momma is so fat and old that when God said “Let there be Light”, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, …
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups? …
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? …
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There’s white-out on the screen.
Why don’t men do laundry? …
Why don’t men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don’t run on remote control!
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a …
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
“An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins.
“You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that’s been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
“Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”
Again, the dog growls menacingly. “Alright, alright,” as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog’s owner screams at the dog.
“Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” comments the butcher.
“He’s a stupid dog - that’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. …
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
